Lois In the Hospital
by Ferrari91169
Summary: This is a story about Stewie finally hurting Lois and she goes to the hospital.
1. The Bar of Soap

An ordinary day in the Griffin house

Peter: Not another re-run of The Brady Bunch, I've seen this one so many times.

Brian: Oh God turn the channel turn the channel.

Stewie: God I hate incest. Another reason to hate the Brady Bunch.

Lois: Why do they have to make all the good shows bad nowadays?

Meg: I'm going up stairs I have to get ready for my date.

Everyone Laugh's

Stewie: Oh my God, you are never going to get a date you bitch.

Lois: Ha Ha, what a freakin bad liar.

Meg runs up stairs crying

Brian: God, I need to get some more "good" bathroom magazines if you know what I mean.

Everyone laughs, Brian walks out the door.

Stewie: Ha Ha, oh, someone's going to have to explain that to me.

Chris: I've got to go up to my room. I have some schoolwork.

Lois: I'm going to go give stewie a bath.

Peter: Yea, whatever.

Lois: Ok, Then

Meanwhile…….in the bathroom.

Lois slips on bar of soap and falls down, and hits her head.

Stewie: Finally, the woman is dead. YES!

Chris runs into the room: MOM!

Meg runs downstairs: Dad, mom is dead!

Peter: Hey did I say you could talk, I am trying to watch the oh my god.

Later….Driving home from the hospital

Peter: Now kids I want you to know that your mom didn't hit the can. No I'm just joking, she didn't die is what I'm trying to say.

Stewie: Damn

Peter: Now that your mom is in the hospital we need a new mother. Meg your to ugly, so it can't be you. Chris your gonna have to be your mother for a while. Well, except for when me and you mom are in the bed making love. I might have to find someone else for that.

Chris: Alright I'm the mom.

Peter: Meg, you can do the dishes, and all the dirty things around the house, since that is what ugly bi…..i mean ugly girls are made for.

Meg: That sucks dad, I'm not doing it.

Chris: Young lady you will do what your father says.

Meg: I'm older than you fat ass so shut your mouth.

Chris: That's it you are grounded for two weeks.

Peter: Ok, enough. Now we need someone to cook. Brian how about…..

Brian: How about a little more shut the hell up.

Peter: Oooo…Mr. Grouchy. Anyway you took that cooking cla……

Brian: Yea, I mean it. SHUT THE FUCK UP.

Quiteness………

Peter: Hey, watch your mouth. I don't want to have to do to you what I did to Chris that night.

Flashback…..

Chris: Yo Homie whats up Fo Shizzle.

Peter: Chris no cussing, or I will have to hit you.

Chris: Fo Shizzle

Peter: That's it. (Picks up baseball bat and whacks Chris) hey….hey….wake up sleepy head…..oh damn I'm screwed. Umm… Lois.

Lois: Yes

Peter gives Lois baseball bat

Peter: Oh my god Lois you hit Chris. I'm calling the child service place…..thing…something to that effect

Flashback Ends…….

Chris: Dad, I don't remember that

Peter: Ha ha….neither do I.

Stewie: This will be about as fun as that game of Marco Polo I played with Helen Keller.

Flashback…..

Stewie: I don't want to see a damn flashback of that

Flashback ends…..

Peter: Ok, Lois we are home.

Quietness…

Peter: I SAID OK LOIS WE ARE HOME.

Chris in a girl voice: Oh, sorry honey, I guess I'm an idiot.

Peter: Chris, don't call your mom an…..

Chris in a girl voice: Who is this Chris? Should I know about her? Are you cheating on me? Am I not sexual enough for you? GOD.

Chris runs inside crying

Quietness

Brian: Ok, then.

Everyone goes inside

**Me:** Ok, this is the first chapter of this story. So how was it? Please R&R, any comments, what do you think I should change, stuff like that. Should I continue.

Thanks for reading.


	2. Bromother and Momowner?

Lois in the Hospital: Chapter 2

(A normal day in the Griffin house….well not that normal since Lois is gone and Chris is the wife and all, but still a normal day in the Griffin house if Lois was gone and Chris was the wife…so then it would be normal….so….enjoy the "normal day.")

Peter: Lois, I want a beer

Chris: Ok, honey and I'll have one with you

Peter: Chris…I mean Lois your to young to have beer…

Chris: and this Chris character…is she to young you bastard….

(Chris runs up stairs)

Peter: God, whats her problem

Brian(drunk): I don't know, but since your humping someone else can I have Lois.

Chris walking down stairs overhears

Peter: yea sure take the bitch…

Chris: what…your selling me to a damn dog…I can't believe you honey…I thought you loved me

Peter: calm down….im giving him the dead Lois…or the brain dead Lois…or the one that's brain is currently not working and she is in the hospital.

Meg: Dad I wanna go see mom

Chris: see me where

Meg: no I don't wanna see you, you fat basturd…I wanna see my "real" mom….

Chris: Oh thank god she's not my kid….she's so ugly and

Meg: what did you call me

Peter: don't talk back to your bromother

Brian: what

Peter: I call chris meg's and stewie's bromother…and your momowner

Brian: and he's my what

Peter: your momowner

Brian: what the hell does that mean…

Peter: it means his your owner….and your mother

Brian: ok….never say that again…ok

Peter: but Brian I think it has a rin…

Brian: No….don't EVER say it again you fat basturd…

Peter: what's up ur ass….

Brian: WHATS UP MY ASS?

Peter: Hahahahhahahahahahahahahaha……….find out whats up Brian's ass next chapter…….hahahahaha………………...….he's got something up his ass…….

……

Meg: I've had something up my ass before…

Quagmire: giggity

Chris: Boy I know what it's like having something up my ass….I mean I do live with a monkey..

Quagmire: oh…oh my god…oh my…oh….chris why…no

Peter: your cheating on me

Stewie: you're a fag man….you fag….god…you are such a fag man..

(Door Opens)

Anonymous Voice: That's nice Chris…….

Next chapter….find out

Peter: What's up Brian's ass

Meg: What the monkey puts up Chris's ass

Chris: Why Meg never get's a date.

Stewie: and who the hell is at the front door….is it Rupert….who knows….is it be….is it me….can't be…my cloning machine isn't finished quite yet….

Brian: Is it my ticket out of this damn house….

Quagmire: Is it someone I gave VD

…….find out next chapter…….


	3. Blowup Doll Mom

Previously on Family Guy

Peter: Everyone run they have guns….

(Lois is Shot)

Peter: NOOOOOOO!

Stewie: YESSSSS!

Brian: We have to stop them before it's to late.

Chris: Let's sacrifice Meg….No one cares about her

Meg: Shut up you fat piece of crap…..

Peter: Haha…Meg called you a fat piece of crap..

Chris: It's not fair….

Stewie: The time bomb is going o……

(Bomb Explodes)

(All that's left is Stewie and Brian "fused" together

Stewie: Damn

Theme song Plays 

(Door Opens)

Anonymous Voice: That's nice Chris…….

Chris: Hey Mr. Herbert….

Herbert: Hi Chris….would you mind helping me in the garden…

Chris: No problem Mr. Herbert

Peter: Chris and Herbert sitting in a tree

Chris: Peter's a big fat D-I-C

Peter: Hey, that's not right….you forgot the second c….

Chris: Oh yea

Brian: They are

Stewie: So Stupid

(Chris and Herbert leave)

Brian: Hey Peter you were right

Peter: I'm always right

Brian: Yea…seems like there was something up my ass…it was peppermint flavored dental floss…I knew I shouldn't have eaten that.

Meg: So now what do we do….Chris is gone…looks like there is no more mom….

Stewie: I want mommy

Quagmire: Ah….look at the little fella….I have a blow up doll that could be your mom.

Brian: Yea, I think we all kind of miss Lois don't we

(Peter is Watching T.V.)

Peter: Quiet guys I'm watching Star Trek

Meg: You don't miss mom at all do you…

Peter: Well I do get to watch more porno's but yea I guess I miss her…

Stewie: I want milk…

Meg: Ok…I might have some…

(Meg picks Stewie up and starts to take her shirt off)

Stewie: NOOOOOOOO!...For God's sake leave the shirt on…

Quagmire: You can come take the shirt off at my place…giggity

Brian: I'm going to visit Lois who's coming with me

Meg: I'll go

Stewie: I've got nothing better to do

Peter: Yea, see this is my favorite Star Trek….so…you'll have to go without me…

Brian: Whatever lets go…

Meg: Should we get Chris…

Brian: No…remember what it was like last time he went to a hospital

Flashback 

Chris: Hey look at that…a person's getting the fat sucked out of them…

(Chris goes over when operation is done and plays with the "equipment")

Chris: Look its like I vacuum..

(Chris holds it against him)

Chris: I wonder what this does…

(Pushes the reverse button and all of the fat goes inside Chris)

Brian: HOLY FREAKIN CRAP….

Lois: My Baby

Stewie: Look…he made an elephant

Peter: Well look at the bright side…now your fat like me

Flashback Ends 

Stewie: Your right lets go alone…

(Brian, Meg and Stewie leave the house to go see Lois)

Me: I think I could've made this chapter a bit better, and I had made this chapter before, but my word document closed, and I tried but couldn't retrieve it…made me kind of mad, and I personally think that one would've been better…anyway I hope everyone likes this.


	4. Room 666

(Later in the hospital)

Stewie: Room 642…

Brian: Well we are here…

Stewie: I'll be right there guys…I need to ugh…go to the bathroom…yes that's it...I have to go to the bathroom

Brian: No one's falling for that Stewie…

Stewie: What do you mean…can I not go to the bathroom

Brian: You wear a diaper

Stewie: Seems you are right…well I'm going to go freshen up then…

(Stewie walks away and goes down 24 rooms)

Stewie: Here we are…room 666…let's see who's inside…

(Stewie opens the door)

Anonymous Voice: Hi Stewie

Stewie: What the deuce…

("Someone" takes Stewie inside and door closes)

Back to Lois's Room 

Meg: Oh my God…she's a vegetable

Lois: Meg is that you

Meg: Yea mom…Brian is here to…

Lois: Hi Brian

Brian: How's it going here…looks like your roomie is Bill Gates

Lois: Yea, don't wake him up…

Brian: Why not

Lois: Don't get me wrong, but when you don't own a Windows XP he is really a pain…

Bill: Hey two more customers…would you like to buy a computer…

Meg: No thanks…you can go back to bed now…

Bill: What about you dog…

Brian: No thanks I already own one..

Bill: Anything I can help you with then…I have tons of accessories…cup holders…microphones…webcams…and my products are the best…

Brian: It's probably not a good time to tell you this, but I own a gateway

Bill: Oh

Brian: Yea

Bill: Well that's just to bad…

Brian: Yea

Bill: Ok…guess I can go back to dreaming of customers huh…

Brian: Yea…

Meg: Wow

Lois: Yea he never shuts up…

Brian: So why can't you come home…you seem alright..

Meg: Yea…except for your head…

Lois: What...what's wrong with my head…

Brian: Seems they haven't sewn it back together yet…

Lois: WHAT….the nurse said I was beautiful

(Nurse walks in)

Brian: Well compared to her…you are

Lois: and compared to Meg

Brian: Well…about the same

Lois: What…Meg is ugly…don't tell me I'm that ugly…am I that ugly…

(Meg runs out of the room crying)

Brian: Yea…I had better leave about now…wait…where is Stewie…he never did show up.

Lois: you lost my baby

Brian: No…uh no…um…he went to the bathroom

Lois: He wears a…

Brian: pair of boxers as of today…he wanted to be a…big boy…

Lois: Oh…well go get him for me will you…

Brian: Sure thing

(Brian leaves the room)

Brian: Gotta find him gotta find him…

Brian: Room 666…I wonder…could he…no he wouldn't…I'd better check…

(Brian opens the door)

Brian: OH MY GOD its…….


	5. Intermission

**INTERMISSION **

Brian: Ok, this is called intermission…where me and Stewie will just talk to you.

Stewie: Yea man…

Brian: So who do you think is at the door?

Stewie: I know…I know

Brian: Quiet don't tell them who it is…they have to wait and see

Stewie: I guess your right B

Brian: Wha…What did you just call me…did you just call me B

Stewie: Yea, B…

Brian: Don't…don't call me that

Stewie: Gosh, your ants at a picnic

Brian: Did…did you just say I'm ants at a picnic…

Stewie: I believe so…

Chris: Hi guys…

Brian: Hey it's Chris…everyone say hello to Chris

Audience: Hi Chris

Chris: Hi everybody

Tom Tucker: And in local news the man in room 666 was found and he was identified as….

Brian turns T.V. off 

Brian: Whoa…you almost found out didn't you…but we're not going to tell you

Stewie: I'm so depressed

Brian: I know what will cheer you up

Stewie: No that won't work

Brian: You sure…

Brian puts on Banana Suit 

Brian: It's peanut butter jelly time peanut butter jelly time peanut butter jelly time…now where he at where he at where he at where he at now there he go there he go there he go there he go peanut butter jelly peanut butter jelly peanut butter jelly peanut butter jelly do the peanut butter jelly peanut butter jelly peanut butter jelly with a baseball bat do the peanut butter jelly peanut butter jelly peanut butter jelly with a baseball bat

Meg: Ok then

Audience looks at Meg 

Audience: EWWWW

Meg: looks like they didn't like the peanut butter jelly song Brian

Brian: Oh yea…I'm sure that's why they said eww…it wasn't because you got on stage…oh fuck no…it was the song…I'm sure

Stewie, Brian, and Chris: Right…

Meg: Screw you guys

Meg leaves 

Audience Cheers 

Meg walks back in 

Audience: Booo….Ewww….get the cow off the stage…

Meg leaves 

Audience Cheers 

Meg walks back in 

Audience: Booo….Ewww….my eyes…my eyes..

Meg leaves 

Audience Cheers 

Meg walks back in 

Audience: Booo….Ewww….u suck…leave…look at the sea cow

Meg runs off stage crying 

Audience Cheers 

Brian: Ok now back to who we were

Man in Audience has his hand up 

Brian: Yes

Man in Audience: I know who was in room 666 it was M….

Stewie shoots the man in the head 

Brian: Nice shot

Stewie: Damn right

Police Sirens 

Brian: and we're out of here….

Stewie, Brian and Chris run off stage 

Me: Just a little thing to tide you over till I finish the rest since it might take a few days…hope you enjoyed this little part…I will have it updated soon…thanks for reading and for the reviews…


	6. Trapped in the Closet

(Brian opens the door)

Brian: OH MY GOD its…….

(Before Brian could say anything he is taken inside and tape is put around his mouth.)

Stewie: Hey Michael who was at the door…

Michael Jackson: Some white dog…

Stewie: Oh my god…it's Brian…you know the bastard dog I was talking about…

Michael Jackson: Oh its him…the one that doesn't like my music…

Stewie: Yes, unfortunately, but on the bright side, I love it…

Michael Jackson and Stewie: Billie jean is not my lover. She's just a girl who claims that I am the one, but the kid is not my son. She says I am the one, but the kid is not my son.

Michael Jackson: The good times…

(Stewie takes the tape off Brian's mouth)

Brian: (chokes a little) what the hell man…what the hell

Stewie: It's a convention…of singers…

Voice from other bed in hospital room: Seven a clock in the morning and a raise from the sun wakes me. I'm stretching and yawning in a bed that belongs to Michael Jackson…then I say oh shit what am I doing here…I need to get my fucking crazy ass up out this hospital room…that belongs to Michael Jackson

Brian: R. Kelly

R. Kelly: That's me…

Brian: Oh god…everyone in the closet

(Brian opens the closet and it shows O.J. holding a butcher knife)

O.J. Simpson: Hi

Brian: Oh my god…everyone in the bathroom…

(Brian opens the bathroom door)

R. Kelly, O.J., Dave Chappelle and Michael Jackson: We want to piss on you…

Brian: Oh god we have to get out of here…

(Brian picks Stewie up and they run out of the hospital room)

Brian: God I'm glad that's over…

Stewie: I don't know…I rather enjoyed it.

Brian: Yea well that's because you're a homosexual

Stewie: Yea your probably right…

Brian: Let's go home…

(They leave the hospital)

(At the Griffin house)

Stewie: So I never saw mom

Brian: Yea, I was supposed to bring you to see here, but I didn't want to wake up Bill Gates again.

Stewie: Bill Gates you say…I could've killed him…

(Peter walks in front door)

Peter: Hey guys

Stewie: Go away Fat Man

Peter: Bite me

(Stewie bites him)

Peter: Ah..ahh…ahh..ahh..ahh..tsk…ahh..oww…ahh…ehh…aww…

Brian: Yea…well seeing as it's 7

R. Kelly from out of nowhere: o'clock in the morning and a raise from the sun wakes me

Brian: Yea…actually it's 7 p.m. and I'm going to the bar

R. Kelly: Sweet…I'm coming with you

Peter: Me too…

Chris: I'm going to go help Herbert in his garden…

(Everyone leaves but Stewie)

Stewie: Where is everyone…they can't leave me here alone…I wonder where Meg is…

Stewie sees a bubble…like a thought (In Hospital room 666)

Meg: Wow, and I thought you liked little boys Michael

Stewie: Oh god would she…yea she would…well I guess I will watch the R-Rated channel Lois doesn't know about…

(Turns channel)

Girl on T.V.: Oh yea…that's it…yea…that's good…oh yea…

Quagmire: Did someone call

Man: Who else but Quagmire

Choir: He's quagmire, quagmire you never really know what he's gonna do next he's quagmire quagmire…giggity giggity giggity giggity let's watch sex…oh

(Quagmire runs in the house and sits down naked next to Stewie)

Stewie: What the deuce…

Quagmire: Oh…sorry little man…didn't mean to be naked in front of you

Stewie: It's not that...it's because your penis is smaller than Brian's


	7. Returning Home

(Later in hospital)

(Lois looks out door and sees Michael Jackson chasing R. Kelly.

(Meg walks into room)

Meg: Hi Mom…you won't believe what I did…I slept with Michael Jackson.

Lois: I thought he liked boys.

Meg: That's what I said.

Lois: Have you seen Stewie and Brian? They were supposed to come back to see me.

Meg: No, last time I saw Stewie he was with Michael.

Lois: Oh God, what'd he do to my baby.

Meg: I think they had chicken, potatoes, and some apple juice.

Lois: Oh, thank god…I mean he can have sex with you as much as he likes, but when he starts with Stewie…well he's crossed the line.

(Back to Griffin house)

Stewie: I can't believe I just did that, and…and it was so easy…I didn't know I could do it so easily.

Quagmire: Yea little man, maybe you'll be just like me one day.

Stewie: Oh…I don't look forward to that.

Vision 

Stewie: Ok, so we have one in California, Michigan, Arkansas, Rhode Island, New York, and New Hampshire. Only 44 more states to go…oh…giggity giggity goo.

Vision Ends 

Stewie: Yea…boy…don't want to be like you.

Quagmire: Well, I don't know, I think it'd be fun…

Vision 

Quagmire: Breaker breaker 19…this is sexonyourfrontporch…we have two babes at twelve o'clock.

Stewie: Over…pull over that is…oh

Vision ends 

Stewie: Hmm…seems as though we have slightly different outlooks on life.

(Brian walks in with R. Kelly)

Brian and R. Kelly in girl voices: Sex in the kitchen over by the stove put you on the counter by the butter rolls…continue singing, and they walk into the kitchen…ok, where's your stove…

Stewie: Oh god, the dog is going to have sex by my graham crackers.

Brian and R. Kelly: Sex in the kitchen over by the stove put you on the counter next to   
Stewie's graham crackers…

R. Kelly: That can't be right…

Brian: Oh god…we were going to do it…

R. Kelly: You were going to take advantage of me…

Brian: I just wanted free drinks you bitch…

R. Kelly: Fine, it's over

(R. Kelly runs out of the house crying)

Brian: It was never happening

Stewie: You were gonna have…sex on the counter over by the sto…

(Brian hits Stewie with a bat)

(Later in the hospital)

(Nurse walks in to Lois's room)

Nurse: Mrs. Griffin, it appears as though you are free to go home…

Lois: Thank God, I can finally leave this place.

Meg: You wanna grab some food in the cafeteria before we go home.

Lois: No, I'd rather go home and cook a late night dinner for my family.

Meg: Ok, but I can't promise they will all be there.

Lois: Why not…

Meg: No reason…let's go home.

(Later at the Griffin House)

Lois: Everyone I'm….OH MY GOD!

Brian: Lois

(Quickly turns off the doggy style channel)

Lois: My Baby

(Lois rushes over to Stewie, who is knocked out from the bat.)

Lois: Brian, what happened, and what were you watching?

Brian: Ummmm…it was the history channel, and Stewie fell down the stairs.

(Stewie starts to wake up)

Lois: Stewie what happened?

Stewie: All I remember is…Quagmire…and…oh god…it was so small.

(Lois, Brian, and Meg look questionably at each other)

Lois: It's a good thing your ok…let's take you to your bedroom.

(Lois walks up the stairs with Stewie)

Meg: So what really happened?

Brian: Well, I hit him with a bat, and I don't know about the Quagmire stuff. I guess they had sex or something.

(Later at Herbert's house)

Herbert: That is really nice Chris…it makes me feel so good…

Chris: Good, I was hoping that a full garden service for free would make you fell good.

Herbert: Yea, I bet that wasn't easy.

Chris: I even had to take my shirt off it got so hot…if it wasn't in everyone's view I would've done it naked.

Herbert: Give me a moment…(Imagines Chris naked)…Ohhhhhh…


	8. Lois Gone Mad

Lois: There Stewie your safe and sound.

(Lois leaves the room)

(Stewie shaking, sucking his thumb, and his eyes are wide open)

Stewie: It was so small…

(Downstairs)

Lois: Well I'm glad everything is back to normal…where I can be home, and keep everyone under control.

(Chris walks in)

Chris: Mom your home.

Mom: You bet, and I'm going to go make us all a good dinner.

Meg: Thank God…you should've seen what dad "tried" to make.

Flashback 

Peter: Oh fudge I broke the yolk again.

Brian: I'm just throwing this out there, but that might be because your supposed to use a spatula not a fork.

Peter: That's it…that will be my new name…Count Dracula with a Spatula.

Meg: Ok then…

Flashback Ends 

Chris: Or when he tried to do with me what he does with you at night.

Flashback 

Flashback Ends 

Lois: I don't want to know.

Brian: Yea, I don't think any of us do.

(Quagmire walks in the door)

Quagmire: Ok Stewie, time to watch se……

(Everyone looks at him, also thinking about "It's so small")

Lois: Time to watch what Quagmire.

Quagmire: Uh…Time to watch…Sesame Street…that's what I was going to say…not sex…why would I say sex…I was going to say Sesame Street…Giggity giggity gone.

Brian: That was weird.

Lois: Where's Peter…does anyone know.

(Peter slams door open)

Peter: God you guys should of seen…I was drunk…thousands of chicks…popping of bra's…private rooms…I even had se…Oh God it's Lois…hey honey

Lois: WHAT PETER! YOU HAD WHAT!

Peter: Sesame Street put on the TV's…that's it…Sesame Street.

Lois: Everything is out of hand…Stewie and Quagmire had a jackoffalooza…Meg did Michael Jackson…Brian watched porn and hit Stewie with a bat…yes I heard you when you told Meg the truth…and Chris…I don't know what Chris did…

Chris: I made $10 from Herbert.

Lois: Oh God…you only got $10. Did he make you do it…did you say no…please tell me all it was, was a lick…if it was full service it should have been $250.

Chris: Well he didn't make me, and I didn't say no…and no I didn't lick his garden…although I ate a couple apples, but he said that was ok cuz' he gets them all the time off of his tree and that a couple missing wouldn't do any damage.

Lois: Oh…

Chris: What'd you think I did

Lois: Nothing…and Peter…you expect me to believe that you meant Sesame Street instead of sex?

(Phone Rings and Lois picks it up)

Lois: WHAT THE HELL DO YOU WANT!

(Mumbles heard over the phone)

Lois: Ok, thank you…ok…so you did turn it to Sesame Street.

Peter: Told you…now go make us some dinner

Lois: I guess…sorry everyone…I guess I over reacted.

Brian: Ya think…

Meg: Yea…I've never seen you so angry…

Lois: Well I'm all better now…let's eat dinner…Meg you get Stewie…Chris set the table…Peter get your hands out of your pants.

Peter: Oh sorry…

(In the kitchen)

Entire Family: Amen…

Stewie: Ok…so today was a long day…I met R. Kelly, Michael Jackson…it was around seven

R. Kelly: O' Clock in the morning and a raise from the sun wakes me. I'm stretching and yawning in a bed that don't belong to me…

Peter, Brian, Stewie, Meg, Lois, and Chris: And we pull our guns out…

R. Kelly: Boy this is awkward.

(Credits)


End file.
